The Kiss - May 6th, 2023

My affinity for movies has been quite apparent since the beginning of this relationship. The first birthday of yours we celebrated, I wrote about my innate fascination for storytelling in the form of films. I wrote to you about my passionate feelings for a medium of art being tantamount to how I feel about you. Films have moved me and inspired me my entire life. They’re a critical part of who I am, which seems silly.

When I was in kindergarden, I pretended to be a T-Rex or a velociraptor and chased down the other kids. I did this, because I was in love with the way Jurassic Park made me FEEL. I had so many dinosaur themed birthday parties after that movie. When I was in the second grade, Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith was premiering. I remember bragging to all of my friends that I was going to the midnight premier. This subsequently resulted in my teacher bringing me up to the front of the class and asking me to share with all the kids the fact that I was going to the premier. I left the movie so sad (I won’t spoil it, don’t you worry) and bewildered at the story I had experienced (in retrospect the writing and character motivations are horrendous lmao but I was in the second grade cut me some slack). Following the movie I decided to open up my own “Jedi Training” academy that consisted of Alyssa and my cousins. I taught them moves I thought were cool and we even had tests.

I hope by now its clear just how impactful movies were in my childhood. An impact that has only deepened in my adulthood. Its not to say that I’ve continued to simply copy the actions I saw on screen. I also felt seen and heard by watching charcters experience and say things/ ideas that I resonated with. Example A: the tears streaming from my face as I watched the final scenes of Portrait of a Lady on Fire and I contemplated my own desire to find a love that felt like I was “discovering something” with another person. It was knowing that somehwere out there, there were other human beings pouring their life into their art for me to experience and walk away with affirmation, despair, inspiration, love etc.

There are many moments in romance films that I’ve wished I could experience in real life. There are moments in my real life have felt like they’d belong in a romance film. At what point does art go from imitating life to the other way around?

There’s this fantastically shot film Phantom Thread. The story didn’t necessarily resonate with me personally but there’s this fantastic kiss scene. Our main characters have met, they’ve shared intimate memories together, and they’ve begun to discover their differences and their appreciation for said differences. At this point they’ve just done something exhilarating together and non-verbally confirmed their bond. They’ve had this fantastic experience together and as they’re running away there’s a brief pause where he pulls her in and they share this beautiful kiss in front of a beautifully, yet subtly designed glass backdrop. There’s a soothing string section that rises as their kiss builds and disapates as quickly as it happened. I remember in the months following I found myself randomly thinking about that scene. What they must have felt? What could love like that be like?

This brings us to May 6th 2023. I had planned a date that started off very well as we found ourselves at the Norwegian Embassy. My date plan quickly unraveled as I realized I hadn’t properly decided the next embassy to see. We quickly adapted and had a wonderful picnic at Guy Mason Park. I took such beautiful photos of you that day. We walked along embassy row aiming to arrive at Rakuya for our reservation. Over incredible sushi and spirits we found time to chat, laugh, get toasty in their restroom, and share moments of silence as we were floored by the myriad of flavors in front of us. As we were walking from Union Station to your house, I found myself overwhelemed with love for you. How is it possible that I could have missed out on ever sharing cotton candy grapes, strolling together hand in hand, sitting across from you at a sushi restaurant? If there’s a version of myself that will never get the life-altering opportunity that is getting to know you, I truly feel bad for him. In my overwhelming tsunami of emotions I felt my feet slow down. Before I could even realize what I was doing, I found myself coming to a complete stop and pulling you in for one of the most passionate kisses we’ve ever shared. I felt like I was communicating to you my love and my gratitude for sharing that day with you through something as simple as a kiss. I get chills thinking back to that kiss. I recall the look you gave me of: “Why’d you stop walking? what are you doing?” I recall the intensity with which you grabbed my right arm as we embraced in a kiss. I recall the warm light eminating from the office behind me. In that moment I swear I could fiantly hear violins rise and disapate as quickly as our kiss did. I re-watched Phantom Thread last night (June 8th, 2023). I saw the kiss scene and found myself no longer wondering what they must have felt, what could love like that be like?